Divorce or the end of a relationship is not something that we imagine when we first get together with our partner. But it happens and when things don’t work out, there are many issues to resolve, and, not surprisingly, the interests of the children loom large.
The breakdown of the family can be an emotional minefield. There are often hard feelings all around and children get caught in the crossfire. Instead of harmony, there is tension and division.
As a retired, experienced family court judge, I find that there’s nothing more gratifying than successfully helping couples work through the issues to create a new family dynamic where both parents and the children can prosper. In most cases, a successful mediation will reduce the acrimony, which is especially important in cases where the well-being of children is concerned. It’s a process that paves the way for partners to resolve their differences and weave a new relationship, strictly focused on the needs of their children; a relationship that, at worst, may be distant but respectful, and at best, is respectful, supportive and cognizant of the other parent’s interests and point of view. A good mediator can facilitate the development of a parenting plan that works for everyone.
When I was on the bench and now at the start of every mediation, I offer this advice: these are your children’s good old days. You are the makers of their memories. Those memories can be great or not so great. How you conduct yourselves with one another, respect each other, support each other in parenting and provide positive role models for them is a predictor of how they will fare as adults in their own relationships and as parents. How you approach this is what your children will remember.
And, as they say, the proof is in the pudding.
Just hear from PL, a thirty-something whose parents divorced when she was very young:
“This weekend we saw my dad and stepmom for the first time in a while due to distance and Covid. It was an incredible visit and included my mom and stepdad as well. I am so grateful to have this family. My parents divorced when I was young and have been married to their current spouses for most of my life, resulting in four parents for me and lots of grandparents for my kids. And, they have always gotten along. I count my blessings!”
And from CLU:
“[My parents] have been divorced for twenty-eight years. My mom has bad knees and my stepdad works out of town. When my younger siblings questioned, “Why is your dad mowing mom’s lawn?” I told them, “Because, she needed help, and he knew she couldn’t get out there to do it, so he did.” This is co-parenting. This is how lucky I am to have four parents who respect each other and who know at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is showing your children (Even ones that are 32 years old) how to treat people, and how to love your family, no matter how it came together…”
Those are just two examples of successful co-parenting. We all know that such outcomes don’t always happen and sometimes seem impossible in the throes of a family break-up. That can change as the parties work through their issues in a safe, supportive forum where their opinions are heard, where their words can’t be held against them and where they are the ultimate decision makers. In a nutshell, successful co-parenting requires communication, respect and a willingness to put the needs of the children first.
A few things that attorneys and their clients should think about:
- Parties need to keep the focus on the children. Make decisions on what’s best for them as opposed to what’s best for you and your former partner.
- Show respect for your former partner. Stop looking at that person as the bad guy or girl. Kids are smart and are aware of what’s going on. They see more than you think they do. Forget about why the break-up occurred. The sooner you’re able to get past who did what to whom, the better able you are to convey that peace of mind to the children. Focus on moving forward.
- Develop a plan that works for them and be flexible as time passes. The parenting plan that worked when they were four years old doesn’t necessarily work for them at fifteen.
- Embrace your former partner’s new significant other when possible. That person will be “in loco parentis” when you’re not around and you need to give your children permission to accept them. Children cannot have too many people in their lives to love them and the more accepting you are, the better off they will be.
- Finally, don’t spend the children’s college fund battling each other in court over minor issues. Try to resolve any problems that arise between the two of you first. If that doesn’t work, find help through mediation. Absent an emergency, court action and litigation should be your last resort.
For more on this topic please contact me at prestley@ctmediationcenter.com or go to my website at prestleyadr.com.