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Ten tips for parenting during separation

 By Jennifer Davis

 

Become a good listener. We are all busy with our adult lives, and a divorce adds a whole new layer of demands upon our attention. But you still need to be attentive to what your child is saying. As hard as the divorce is upon you and your spouse, your children depend upon you both to take care of them.

 

Allow your child to express his feelings. We don't always want to hear our child's anger, particularly when it's directed at us and our choices. And yet the respect we give our children when we allow them, without judgment or justification, to be angry or sad about the divorce is an important part of being a parent. We allow our children to have feelings and to express them. This is not a one-time conversation; children of all ages need to talk about the divorce a lot. Let them. This is a sad time, for the whole family.

 

Be loving and comforting toward your child. Divorce is an unsettled time and it lasts for awhile. This is a time for you to be a comforting presence for your child, where you make bedtime stories extra-long or make sure that you and your child are together at the dinner table. Hugs, kisses, games of catch, walking the dog together - these are also part of the divorce process as you start transitioning your family time into your new future. Spend your leisure time with your child. Play together, and remember that the fun parts of being a parent don't have to stop just because there's a divorce happening.

 

Protect your child from parental disputes. Divorce or separation is never easy, and you may experience anger and frustration toward your spouse. Your child should never see these feelings build up into an altercation between the two of you, and she depends upon you to make sure that it's nipped in the bud. Be aware that you and your spouse are the two most important people in the world to your child and when you are arguing in her presence, the world can become incredibly scary to her.

 

Support the other parent. You may be getting a divorce from your spouse but remember that your child loves that person dearly. It's hurtful for him to hear you say nasty things about your spouse and it is potentially quite harmful to your child. You are responsible for keeping your anger away from your child, so that he is not hurt by your language or feelings.

 

Apologize. Sometimes, we screw up. We say and do things we shouldn't in our children's presence. It's OK to acknowledge that to your child. "I wish I hadn't said that about Daddy, that was wrong of me. I know it makes you feel bad when I yell. I'm sorry, and I'm going to try not to do that again, OK?"

 

Some things don't change. You're getting a divorce and your child wants to see what else is going to change. Are there still chores? Does homework still have to be done? What will bedtime be? It is up to you to maintain your expectations for your child's behavior during this process. Your child depends upon you to define the framework and to make it clear that the social studies project still has to get done and the trash doesn't take itself out, just because there's a divorce. Children of all ages feel more secure when their parents are clear about the expectations in their own home. For many things, you don't have to have the same expectations as the other parent, but you need to be clear about the rules in your new home.

 

Be discreet. This is a new time for you, too. You are newly single, and there's a whole new world out there for you to explore. Children, however, are confused by sudden change in their parents' behavior, whether it be dating, partying or vacationing. A new significant other may be a great comfort to you emotionally, but is challenging and upsetting to your child. Don't be in haste to introduce new people into your child's life.

 

Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep, get your check-ups and go to the dentist. Join a club, and don't hesitate to find a therapist or a support group. This is an important transition in your life. You need to be well and strong to handle all these changes. And when you take care of yourself, your children learn from that, and they see you going though these hard times with strength and purpose. You give them security when you take care of yourself.

 

Have a plan. Sometimes, our best-laid plans go awry. Dad gets stuck in traffic and can't make the pick-up at the soccer field. The daycare provider has the flu and Mom has an important presentation at work. Life happens, and we need to always be thinking about alternatives. What family members and friends can we depend upon? Do I have Dad's new cell phone number? When we plan ahead, we are less likely to become angry when our initial arrangement falls through, and we parent better. Our children see, we are both still in control

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